Monday, November 29, 2010

How do you know how sick you are?

I always think I am managing, that I hang on pretty well.  Today I caught myself wishing I had cancer.  I have 3 different precancerous conditions  and now a cough that just won't go away.what kind of person wants to have cancer?  Is this a death wish?  Is that what I really want?  I swear it's not, but somewhere inside me it must be there.

If it weren't for my son curling up on my lap telling me he wants to be with me, I think I could give up, stop fighting the depression.  He reminds me that he needs me, that I can't spend all of my life on the couch.  When I hold him I remember, what I want to be, think of all the things I want to do and the things I need to do to care for him.  I wish I could keep that feeling longer than the 5 minutes he's willing to be held.

Then there is my friend who is in just as bad a situation.  He relies on me to keep him going.  I don't know how I can emotionally support both of us.

Support, the next thing missing in my life.  Being unemployed I am for the first time in a very long time not supporting myself.  My husband is not supporting us either.  I have no idea how the bills are being paid.  Plus, he's a horribly selfish bastard.  Last month he said we couldn't afford our son's ADHD medicine ($75), then he arranged to have a stone facing put on the fireplace, a purely cosmetic change to the tune of $3000.

What's worse is there is no emotional support either.  He doesn't get depression, how I feel or what I am going through.  Most of the time he ignores me, except when he want sex.  Then he tries to get all romantic.  That is all I am to him.  It's been over 2 months now and I just have no interest in being with him.

Reading what I wrote here, I think I am angry.  Obviously with the husband, but there is more than just him, and I don't know what it is. I've been sick for too long and I am losing myself in self pity.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Too close to home

I cope primarily by reading and getting lost in the world of fantasy.  I read more than I can afford sometimes, but it's not a big problem. Often I buy more books than I read and when times get tough I find those previous purchased but unread books.  I started one of those books yesterday, but doubt I will finish it anytime soon.

It looked like a typical silly romance story, younger woman, secretly in love with an older friend who had always been there for her.  He returns the feelings but feels guilty about desiring her. blah blah blah.

Problem is the sex.  It totally rocks, but it is too lose to what I once had and let fade away.  I had to let it go to protect myself.  I had doubts that he would ever truly be there for me.  He promised he would, but after a certain time.  What was I to do in the mean time?  I went with the safe course. His stated time limit is up in June and I have seen no evidence of his preparing to make the changes.  Any way, it shouldn't matter to me.  I let him go.  It was my choice.  I just couldn't take being hurt anymore. 

But damn, I miss the sex, and seeing it all laid out in front of me, the delaying the orgasm, wanting so bad to beg for release, but refusing to give in, the complete domination that started as a simple game, but became an obsession and always left me wanting more.  There was never an "I'm not in the mood" moment.  Every waking moment all I thought about was sex.  Did insane things that left me feeling shame (like flashing a random guy at the gas station as I got out of my car in a tight short skirt with no panties) but I couldn't tell him "no" no matter what he told me to do.

I don't want to finish the book.  I don't want to see their relationship grow, their sex to just get better and everything in the end turning out ok.  I don't want to read what I can't have.  Most romance stories are so cheesy, good for an afternoon's escape.  You know the plot and the sex is filled with the usual heaving bosoms and rock hard cocks and a love so great even her first time is bliss <gag>  I have to admit, this is some of the most real sex I have seen in a book in a long time. 

It hurts to know that all that perfection was once in the palm of my hand and I let it go.  I settled for all talk, no action, no understanding of how delaying even a little can increase pleasure, that "I want you" is NOT foreplay. 

Today's tears are for the lost love, lost sex and lost friendship. 

Thursday, November 11, 2010

My First Blog

So this is my first blog.  I'm a middle aged woman who was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder about 6 years ago.  The past year my doctor and I were starting to wonder and look at the possibility that I might have Bipolar II (bipolar depression).  Before we could make that determination I lost my job and my insurance.

I have been without any medications for the past 4 months and some days I barely manage.  Last week I desperately wanted to run away.  I made it as far as McDonald's where I sat and read for a couple of hours.  My husband wasn't home when I left, so I came back to make sure someone would be home when our 8 yr old got out of school.

I am not suicidal, thank goodness, but often wish to just "not be" or to disappear.

I don't drink or do any kind of drugs, but use books as my escapist behavior.  I bought a nook 4 months ago and have 130 books on it already (10 or so are histories/cookbooks) all of which I have read.  Books of choice are light readings (although I do enjoy the serious books, they aren't always good for a depressed person).  Mysteries top my list, add a supernatural element and I'm sold.

Other hobbies include sewing/costuming, and cooking, especially medieval recipes. 

I'm hoping that if I can express a lot of my feelings here, it will help me get off the couch, so to speak.