Monday, November 29, 2010

How do you know how sick you are?

I always think I am managing, that I hang on pretty well.  Today I caught myself wishing I had cancer.  I have 3 different precancerous conditions  and now a cough that just won't go away.what kind of person wants to have cancer?  Is this a death wish?  Is that what I really want?  I swear it's not, but somewhere inside me it must be there.

If it weren't for my son curling up on my lap telling me he wants to be with me, I think I could give up, stop fighting the depression.  He reminds me that he needs me, that I can't spend all of my life on the couch.  When I hold him I remember, what I want to be, think of all the things I want to do and the things I need to do to care for him.  I wish I could keep that feeling longer than the 5 minutes he's willing to be held.

Then there is my friend who is in just as bad a situation.  He relies on me to keep him going.  I don't know how I can emotionally support both of us.

Support, the next thing missing in my life.  Being unemployed I am for the first time in a very long time not supporting myself.  My husband is not supporting us either.  I have no idea how the bills are being paid.  Plus, he's a horribly selfish bastard.  Last month he said we couldn't afford our son's ADHD medicine ($75), then he arranged to have a stone facing put on the fireplace, a purely cosmetic change to the tune of $3000.

What's worse is there is no emotional support either.  He doesn't get depression, how I feel or what I am going through.  Most of the time he ignores me, except when he want sex.  Then he tries to get all romantic.  That is all I am to him.  It's been over 2 months now and I just have no interest in being with him.

Reading what I wrote here, I think I am angry.  Obviously with the husband, but there is more than just him, and I don't know what it is. I've been sick for too long and I am losing myself in self pity.

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