I always think I am managing, that I hang on pretty well. Today I caught myself wishing I had cancer. I have 3 different precancerous conditions and now a cough that just won't go away.what kind of person wants to have cancer? Is this a death wish? Is that what I really want? I swear it's not, but somewhere inside me it must be there.
If it weren't for my son curling up on my lap telling me he wants to be with me, I think I could give up, stop fighting the depression. He reminds me that he needs me, that I can't spend all of my life on the couch. When I hold him I remember, what I want to be, think of all the things I want to do and the things I need to do to care for him. I wish I could keep that feeling longer than the 5 minutes he's willing to be held.
Then there is my friend who is in just as bad a situation. He relies on me to keep him going. I don't know how I can emotionally support both of us.
Support, the next thing missing in my life. Being unemployed I am for the first time in a very long time not supporting myself. My husband is not supporting us either. I have no idea how the bills are being paid. Plus, he's a horribly selfish bastard. Last month he said we couldn't afford our son's ADHD medicine ($75), then he arranged to have a stone facing put on the fireplace, a purely cosmetic change to the tune of $3000.
What's worse is there is no emotional support either. He doesn't get depression, how I feel or what I am going through. Most of the time he ignores me, except when he want sex. Then he tries to get all romantic. That is all I am to him. It's been over 2 months now and I just have no interest in being with him.
Reading what I wrote here, I think I am angry. Obviously with the husband, but there is more than just him, and I don't know what it is. I've been sick for too long and I am losing myself in self pity.