Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Too close to home

I cope primarily by reading and getting lost in the world of fantasy.  I read more than I can afford sometimes, but it's not a big problem. Often I buy more books than I read and when times get tough I find those previous purchased but unread books.  I started one of those books yesterday, but doubt I will finish it anytime soon.

It looked like a typical silly romance story, younger woman, secretly in love with an older friend who had always been there for her.  He returns the feelings but feels guilty about desiring her. blah blah blah.

Problem is the sex.  It totally rocks, but it is too lose to what I once had and let fade away.  I had to let it go to protect myself.  I had doubts that he would ever truly be there for me.  He promised he would, but after a certain time.  What was I to do in the mean time?  I went with the safe course. His stated time limit is up in June and I have seen no evidence of his preparing to make the changes.  Any way, it shouldn't matter to me.  I let him go.  It was my choice.  I just couldn't take being hurt anymore. 

But damn, I miss the sex, and seeing it all laid out in front of me, the delaying the orgasm, wanting so bad to beg for release, but refusing to give in, the complete domination that started as a simple game, but became an obsession and always left me wanting more.  There was never an "I'm not in the mood" moment.  Every waking moment all I thought about was sex.  Did insane things that left me feeling shame (like flashing a random guy at the gas station as I got out of my car in a tight short skirt with no panties) but I couldn't tell him "no" no matter what he told me to do.

I don't want to finish the book.  I don't want to see their relationship grow, their sex to just get better and everything in the end turning out ok.  I don't want to read what I can't have.  Most romance stories are so cheesy, good for an afternoon's escape.  You know the plot and the sex is filled with the usual heaving bosoms and rock hard cocks and a love so great even her first time is bliss <gag>  I have to admit, this is some of the most real sex I have seen in a book in a long time. 

It hurts to know that all that perfection was once in the palm of my hand and I let it go.  I settled for all talk, no action, no understanding of how delaying even a little can increase pleasure, that "I want you" is NOT foreplay. 

Today's tears are for the lost love, lost sex and lost friendship. 

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